Toxic Thoughts

I thought about starting a personal journal just to write down my thoughts in, but then I thought about it and wondered to myself, what do I have a blog for if I'm not going to be honest and just write down whatever the hell I'm thinking?

I realized recently, that for whatever reason, I have been afraid of my own thoughts. The reasons for this could be many.

I think that it used to be that all my thoughts were well-meaning and had good intentions. That's not really the case anymore. I know that all of you are going to think I'm full of shit when I say this, but I really used to be comfortable telling everyone exactly how I feel. Now, I don't want to tell anyone. I guess everyone probably thinks of things that they are ashamed of, but being someone who has never been afraid to say anything before, it's sort of a new thing to me.

I also think it may be a result of the type of relationship that I'm in right now. It's nothing I've ever experienced before. We both go throughout our day pretending that nothing is wrong, never addressing any of the unhappiness that we're feeling, and the spiral continues...

Now don't get me wrong, the relationship is not all unhappiness, but the unhappiness that is there is not acknowledged or fixed at all, ever. I guess to a person just hearing this rant, it would appear that the relationship is pretty much over... I don't know. I've been making an effort to increase the communication, do random nice things, and in general be a better boyfriend as of late, but I think most of it goes unnoticed or unappreciated.

Keep in mind that this is just raw thoughts so I apologize for the lack of structure.

I should also add, that even though I am trying to be a better person as well as a better boyfriend, I don't always hit the mark. It's easy to allow yourself to get caught up in minor details and dwell on them.

So back to the reason why I hold my thoughts in... the relationship could be one reason, and me having toxic thoughts that are too terrible to talk about could be another.

An abbreviated list of everything I've ever done or thought that I'm ashamed of:

Stolen
Cheated
Gambled too much
Hurt someone I care about
Been apathetic
Failed at school
Bought an item I didn't need when I didn't have the money
Owed/Owe people money
Neglected a debt
Commit time to something insignificant and neglect priorities
Failed to support a loved one
Skipped work
Skipped class
Lied
Didn't fulfill my obligations as a friend/boyfriend/family member
Avoid talking about a death or going to a funeral to avoid bringing myself down
Played strip poker with my best friend's sister (Ok, that one is funny....)
Got punched by my best friend for the above (It was worth it)
Got in a fight
Thought that my opinion was the only one that mattered
Lusted for inappropriate girls
Spent my last $20 on a lap dance
Vandalized
Doing this instead of studying for my exam tomorrow
Forgot to do a homework assignment
Wondered what someone would give me in their inheritance if they died
Spit in someone's food
Tried to change someone in an effort to make them more compatible with me
Been lazy
Not living up to my potential
Allowing myself to get behind

Ok, those are the things I could think of off the top of my head. I must say, putting it in writing doesn't make these things right, but it certainly takes a little bit of the weight off of your chest.

So what have I learned? Well, starting today I am going to use this outlet as a way to put into writing what I truly am thinking. You can see what kind of sick individual I really am. I might be just be what everyone else can't admit to being, but I don't care. I am who I am, and I suggest that if you can't handle it, then don't read this journal and don't be around me any more.

Salut