Another consumer report...

Back to what I do best...

Who falls for these text message scams that are currently being advertised on tv, radio and anywhere that there's a hard surface to write on? There's all kinds of em too! And I wonder how they get away with it...

1) Ringtones and wallpapers

Alright, do you really think that anyone is going to put up money to advertise on tv so that they can GIVE you FREE ringtones? Are you mildly retarded? I don't care how much you want "Goodies" to be your ringtone, it's not worth the $5.00 a month that all these services are going to charge to your phone bill without your "permission". Just do a little research with these new inventions they call "a computer" and "the internet" and you can find out how to get any damn ringtone you want for free.


2) Text message skanks

So you want to pay $1.99 for each sent or received text message from Jenna Jameson eh? As little faith as I have in humanity, even I am shocked that there is a demand for this. These are ALL over the place now. They always try to be real cute too, like you're not signing up for a dirty message service, but instead a "flirting service". Just text "FLIRT" to 66666! They have ads in the back of FHM that look just like the phone sex ads in the back of Hustler... so I'm told. Anyway, what the hell makes you think that the humanoid text messaging you is going to look anything like the girls in the advertisements? I can tell you right now what the person on the other end is going to look like... slowly walk into the bathroom, look in the mirror. Whatever you see, that's similar to how the person on the other end is going to look... late 20's, overweight and most likely sporting a penis.


and my favorite
3) text message popularity

For those of you who don't know... you can now pay a nominal fee so that someone will text you and pretend to be your friend, thus making you appear to be popular and well-liked. Nothing could be further than the truth. The people that enroll in this service could quite possibly be the only people on earth more lonely and pathetic than the ones that get the sex messages. Now I know what you're saying... there's a direct overlap! Yeah, maybe a little... but this is a completely different clientele than the Text Johns. The purveyors of text hookery are perverts just like you or I, but taken to an extreme. They are slightly less attractive than us, shy, and don't talk to girls all that well, so they turn to porn, cybersex, phone sex, and eventually text sex. Oh no no no... the popularity text messenger is a different beast all together. This guy is a complete sociopath. The kind of guy that if you heard he killed a family of four and had sex with their dog, you wouldn't really be surprised. This guy is so desperate to prove to those around him that he is well liked, he'll be fielding 20 texts every 1/2 hour for the whole 4 hours he works at McDonald's each day.


It's hard to create a heirarchy of losers and distinguish which participants of these services are the dumbest... but I think I have it figured out...

The ringtone texters and by far the dumbest and are currently disappointing their families

The sex texters are gullible, but not dumb. They will obtain their degree in Information Technology from the DeVry Institute and go on to a life of loneliness

and at last the Popularity texters are maniacal sociopaths and will be seen in the 8-10 block on Fox Saturdays in the very near future.


If you are in any of these groups, I feel terribly sorry for you. I also really hope that you don't know where I live.


Til next time...